A baby is born

We had booked in a c-section for baby 2. There were a few reasons for this, including the fact that I was really struggling with all the extra weight I was carrying, baby was measuring big and Will had had a massive head. Because I'd had a c section already, my induction methods were very limited. While I wasn't scared of a big baby, or even a big head, I did know it wold make a vaginal delivery more difficult, and the likelihood of another emergency c section was much higher.
That said, Dr D, Tim and I were in agreement that if I went into labour spontaneously, then I could have a try at a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I really wasn't holding out any hope for this, since Will had had no interest in going anywhere at full term and we were booked in early this time. However....

Three days before surgery was scheduled, Will and I were at home, baking a cake. The cake was in the oven, Will had gone down for a nap and... yeah that's not just Braxton Hicks anymore. Shit. Ok. Tim had been trying to get a final couple of days of work in before baby arrived, so I called him home to take me to the hospital. My mother-in-law was already coming out to watch Will while I had a nap, so she had to put her foot down too.

As we left home, I was having contractions about 4 minutes apart. I can feel them come on- it's just like someone hugging me tightly around my belly, though it's hard for me to tell the duration of them as they fade off again. Basically I was feeling nervous, like maybe I needed to go to the toilet (tried that, I didn't). We live about 30 minutes from the hospital and by the time we were half way there, I was not good. Within a few minutes, I'd gone from basically fine, to feeling really sick, heart racing, feverish, nasty headache. The effort of getting out of the car actually did make me sick.

When we arrived on the ward, I was admitted, but there was no expectation from anyone (except me) that this was show time. It took a while for a canula to be successfully inserted. My veins aren't great at the best of times. (Even getting iron infusions while I was pregnant often took multiple attempts). That allowed them to start anti nausea medication (so I could take panadole) and fluids. Once that all happened, I started feeling much better.

For those of you who haven't had much exposure to spinal cord injuries, the thing to watch out for here is AD, autonomic dysreflexia. Because I can't feel pain or discomfort below my injury level, my body has a different warning system to tell me something is wrong. The first symptom is a headache as my blood pressure rises. Other symptoms include all the ones I'd been experiencing, though it changes from person to person. Now you might expect that labour would fit the 'pain or discomfort' bill, but my response had come on very hard and fast.

By the time I'd been in a few hours I'd progressed from 2cm dilated to 4cm.  Baby's heart rate was a little higher than we wanted, though it had come down as I'd begun to feel better. Then my waters broke, full of merconium. So we decided it was time to go to theater. Now, not only were we dealing with a baby a few days earlier than we'd expected (I'd literally only packed my hospital bag 3 hours before we left home), but Dr D wasn't working that day, so I was dealing with obstetricians I'd never met before. Don't get me wrong, they were lovely, did a good job and listened to me but it was still very off putting to be going through all this without her.

Unfortunately, I cannot be so complementary of the anesthetist I had. Now I want to preface this saying that I understand her primary job is to get both Mum and Baby through the surgery safely, but that is not her only job. She did not listen to me when I told her that my fever was a result of my AD, rather she said it must be the result of an infection, despite my blood tests having come back clear and the fact my symptoms came on so quickly, and were fixed by panadole.
Because I'd had a fever, she would only do a GA (general anesthetic). Her reasoning for this was that if I had an infection and it got into my spinal column from the spinal tap, it would be a horrific infection to try and get rid of. Treatment included multiple surgeries over years. So if I'd had an infection, that would be very sensible, except that my fever was from AD. This decision was devastating to me. It meant that I would be asleep for the delivery, but it also meant no one else, including Tim, is allowed in the delivery room.

When we got to the theater door, she berated me like a child, speaking about me as if I wasn't there. She said if I didn't want a GA, that I needed to get another anesthetist, as if that was a viable option when we were at the theater door and everyone was telling me my baby was in distress and needed to be born now. Then when I said I was 'fucking furious' (in reply to 'how are you feeling?'), she told me she wouldn't give me a GA if I wasn't happy. Well. I saw red. I am not someone who is confrontational, especially people in positions of authority, like doctors! But she poked the wrong Mama Bear! I told her she had no right to ask that of me. That I consented, we needed to get this baby out and now, but she did not get to tell me I had to be happy about it!!

Ok, deep breathes. Can you tell I am still a little frustrated about this, almost three months later? (For those of you wondering, I did put in a complaint, about 6 weeks after. I wanted to take time to process what had happened, to make sure I wasn't being irrational).

Tim was kicked out (unfortunately no one had actually told him anything about where he was meant to go, so he was a bit lost for a while), and they took me into the theater. As I counted down, I had tears running down my face. My only memory between then and recovery, was a dark haired boy being offered for a kiss and being asked if he had a name. Harrison Trevor. You've never seen a newborn with so much hair!

Harry was taken off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, NICU, and I was taken to recovery, where I slowly woke up and got snippets of news about him. His Apgar score was 2, so very low at birth. He had needed some help to breath, most likely because he'd also got some GA, and weighted 8lb, 3.5oz, so a pound lighter than Will, but the same sized head, almost 2 weeks earlier!

When he needed his first feed, I was still in recovery. Tim insisted they come see me to try express some milk before they gave him formula. I was so proud of him for this. He knew exactly what I wanted and made sure it happened. Sure enough, the midwife for 15ml in 5 minutes, off one boob. For those of you who haven't had babies, 15ml of colostrum is really good!!

Once I was discharged from recovery, I was taken up to the nursery to meet Harry properly. Poor baby was hooked up to a drip, but he was well and truly alive, which is the main thing.

I'm going to leave it there for today.     

A new direction...

I've thrown myself off the deep end! Over the past three plus years, this blog has been entirely about babies. Well over this time my life has been largely about babies. Now however, I'm branching out.

There are many women out there who devote themselves wholly to their children. If you're one of them, good for you. I need something else though. Last year I went back to uni and I loved it, but with a newborn at home, it's just not sustainable for me.

So this is going to be my 'place'. I like to write about what I know. At the moment this is largely parenting and children, but I'm more than just a mum. So I'm going to try something new. In between my Paraparenting experiences, I'm going to share some other pieces I've been working on, both non-fiction and the occasional fiction piece. 

I'm also going to try and learn how to use Instagram, so you can find me there at https://www.instagram.com/paraparenting/

I have lots to catch up on after a very slow writing, busy living year, including a birth story.

So, let's see how this goes shall we?

Welcome back!

Well, it has certainly been a while and what a lot I have to tell you about! 

After having a very dark period over winter last year, I decided I needed something to wake my brain up. So this year, I began a Bachelor of Arts, in gender studies and politics. We are very lucky to have both Will's sets of grandparents close by, so he spends one day a week at each house. I'm not sure who is happier about this arrangement, Will or his grandparents... Actually, it could be me! 

The first half of the year, this worked beautifully! 

You know how they say that every baby is different? Well, after a relatively easy pregnancy with Will, his little brother/sister felt the need to remind me of the reason that saying was invented. Yep, we have number two on the way! What was meant to be a nice few week off between semesters, a chance to do some fun stuff with Will and just catch my breath, was spent feeling like absolute shit. I was just hanging out for the 12-14 week mark, waiting for that feeling I had with Will. That didn't happen, not by a long shot. 

It was always my intention to start blogging again, but I've had so little left to give anything or one, that it has not been possible until now, at 29 weeks. 

I'm someone who knows I am capable of good grades, so I don't like to settle for anything less than that. This pregnancy has meant I've had to reassess my expectations of myself. I've had to lower my cooking and housekeeping standards. I haven't been able to see my girlfriends as much as I want or even need. I am someone who gets so much from my female relationships and I've really felt the lack of those catch-ups over the past 6 months. So if you're one of the few who have managed to keep seeing me over this period; thank you! You have helped me keep my head above water. 

I have the most delightful little boy here. Will is two and half now and everyday makes me laugh at some crazy thing he does. He's an outdoor adventurer who loves nothing more than to wrestle his dog to the ground and go off on adventures around the yard, something he's been doing since he was crawling and worked out how to open the screen door. But he also loves to sit reading on his puppy mat, to help his mum bake kiss biscuits, to play dress ups with his friends, running round in a tutu. This morning he baked me some 'biscuits' (curtain rings), using his socks as oven mitts to make sure he didn't burn his hands. He amazes me with the things he's observed. 

I don't know how much he understands about this baby, but when he says goodnight to Mummy and Daddy, he also pulls up my top and gives my bump a kiss, a cuddle and several raspberries! So we will see how he goes! I think he'll be ok.

So far as the pregnancy, baby is going really well. We have chosen not to find out the gender again, since it doesn't make any real difference to us. Our nursery was painted gender neutral and hasn't changed. We will be using Wills clothes again. My doctor is obviously not worried about us, since I am also seeing the midwife. I think they call it combined care. I've only had a couple of scans this time, (like most people). Baby is growing well and was measuring about 8 days ahead at our last scan. I'm feeling lots of movement now too, which is nice and reassuring. 

Baby has been doing much better than me. I've had two iron infusions now, which has helped, but a month ago, finishing off uni, I was totally wiped out. Pregnancy is exhausting, as is having a toddler, but I was sleeping ten hours and still needing to nap. I was having to rest on the way to the clothes line, which is maybe 10 metres from the house. I wasn't ok. 

I have also had constipation a LOT earlier this time round. I'm mostly on top of it now, but at about 22 weeks it was a bit of an issue. Coloxyl with Senna and Normacol have helped. I've also been horribly bloated from about 10 weeks. I'm on Zantac again twice daily and that's helped, as well as eating little and often. And I'm on Clexane (anticoagulant) injections again, since I've been swollen (like I'd been attacked by bees) since about 18 weeks. I'm guessing. I've barely written anything about anything this time round! 

The good news is that while I'm tired still, and really noticing the extra weight, I am actually starting to get to that nice bit in the middle, where I mostly feel alright. 

I am going to have to change chairs soon. I got a new chair 18 months ago and this one, while a little wider, is taller than my last chair. I went into this pregnancy carrying a few more kilos than last time, so that extra inch or so makes a big difference! I've had a bit of niggly discomfort in my left shoulder this year, so I'm really conscious of not putting too much pressure on it. Or rather, as little as possible. 

I think bub has Will's nose...

So, where to from here? I have my next check up just before Christmas, then scan and visit with Dr D in January. She told me after Will that if I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and a small baby, a natural delivery would be possible. Induction options are limited, as the drugs they use weaken the cesarean scar, but if I went into labour spontaneously, then it would all be possible. 

This baby does not seem to be complying with the order of a 'small baby' though. It is certainly good that it's healthy and growing well, but I have a feeling Dr D will be recommending scheduling a C-section. 

So while I am coming into this a lot more mentally prepared (as opposed to last time where I decided I was going to have a natural delivery, so I just didn't think about a C-section, or what that would mean/involve) I'm still a bit disappointed. I really wanted to have that experience, and I know that if I have a second cesarean, that's it. Even if/when we go back for number three, a natural delivery won't be an option after two C-sections. I know at the end of the day we just want a healthy mum and bub, but I'm not quite ready to accept that I might need to give up my natural delivery to get that. Good thing I still have a couple of months to get used to the idea! 

I'm going to stop now, before this gets too long, but I will try to keep updating over Christmas. 

Thanks for coming back. Until next time! 

Almost 2 years in...

I know we all say this about our lives all the time, but I can't believe how fast the time is going! Will is 2 in just over a month. So much is going on, with Will, but also with me and our family in general.

Will is absolutely in full on toddler mode now. He's not just walking but running. And not just that little cute half waddle run, actually running. For the most part, he's still very good. He will often run away from me at home, but if we are out, I can count on him to be pretty good. I bought one of those kiddy leashes, but we don't have to use it very often. He was on my lap in the supermarket last week and climbed off, went over to another families trolley, held on to that and turned around and grinned at me as if to say 'look mum, I've found a new family!' That's about as naughty as he gets.

He is very inquisitive and adventurous though. I have found I have to be very careful with what I give him access to. We have a fire screen and he knows 'hot', but he also managed to open the fire screen, and the fire door, to put on a piece of wood he very helpfully brought inside for me. I smelt smoke from the other end of the house. I've never moved so fast in my life!! So our fire screen now has an additional child lock on it...
He is also a monkey. If there is a ladder around, he WILL climb it! It doesn't matter if it's 5 meters high and only has one leg on the ground...

Our next challenge is going to be nappy training, which I want to tackle in the next few months. It's one of those things that everyone has an opinion on and everyone knows how to do, but no one wants to do it for me, strangely enough. So that's going to be fun. I'm currently reading Oh crap! Poppy Training by Jamie Glowacki. So I guess I'll finish that and do what I usually do- take what I want, throw out the rest!

Will is currently mad on books. He loves story time and will sit and read with Tim or I for as long as we will keep reading. We are still getting an afternoon nap from him (I'm so happy bout that) and we have a lovely story time routine before his nap. Even if he does have 3 favourite books I have to read 4 times a day. He's quite well read on books with strong female characters.

Will was a bit slow on his words, but over the past few weeks he's coming out with a new word almost every day. It's just clicked, obviously.

If you read my last post, you might be able to guess I wasn't in a great place last winter. I have found out I have depression and was in the middle of a bad bout/spell/whatever you want to call it. I've since found myself a good psychologist and worked out that winter is my 'danger' period, so we have been working to prepare me for this winter. I've joined a gym and am going boxing a couple of times a week, which I really enjoy. I've also quit Facebook, which I was spending hours on a day, which has helped immensely; I log on maybe every 2 months now.

I've also started uni. Just part time, so I only do 2 days a week. Will spends one day with each set of grandparents, which both Will and grandparents love. Those 2 days give me time to start learning who I am again. After 2 years at home, I had lost track of who I was. I felt bored all the time and even worse, I felt boring. I couldn't hold down a conversation about anything except m child. Which is fine if you're someone who want's to talk about my kid, but most people don't care beyond the 'how are they'. And to be honest, I want to talk about something other than him sometimes. I love him, but he's only 2. There is only so much to say about him. And I certainly used to be able to hold an interesting conversation before!

So I'm doing much better. I'm studying politics and gender studies which I'm loving, especially the gender studies. My brain is beginning to fell less like overcooked oatmeal. I overdo it sometimes and just crash, but I feel like I'm setting myself up to get through the cold dark months. 

We got a puppy towards the end of last year, a red kelpie called Pia. She drives me mad some days, but she and Will love each other. I often find them out on the lawn wrestling each other. I never know who has who pinned down.

Will and Pia

Will has continued to be a massive farm kid. He loves nothing more than going out on the motorbike to check the cows, or in the tractor to help Daddy. Agfest was his favourite thing ever- two days with Daddy looking at tractors and cows... Heaven!

Tim and I took Will and Tim's mum away for a long weekend to Victoria in March. We went over on the boat and took Will to the Melbourne zoo (he wanted to take a lemur home, as in a live one. He settled for a toy one) and a drive down the great ocean road. It was a great couple of days away. It was a bit more relaxed that our speedy road trip to Byron Bay last year to see my cousin get married, though that was good too, in it's own way.

The Big Merino at Goulburn

On the whole, Will is growing way too fast, but he's a great kid and we can't complain. I've missed writing though, so I will try to be a better person. Thanks for sticking with me!!

Today, I'm a Shit Mum

This week, I'm a shit mum. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm killing this, but this week, I'm not. I'm so bloody tired and angry. I have no patience. Will has perfected his mum's frown and growl in a way no little kid should. I feel like every second word out of my mouth is 'no,' or 'don't,' or 'stop,' or 'down.' And the others all seem to be swear words. I have this wonderful sweet, smart,  inquisitive little boy, but I keep shutting him down cause I can't keep my shit together.

My house is a wreak. As I'm writing this, the table is covered with card making stuff because a, I like making my own cards and b, I own hundreds of dollars worth of card making stuff, so it feels stupid buying them. The floors are filthy. The sink is covered in dishes, as well as leftovers from both lunch and breakfast. I have managed to turn on the washing machine, but not to hang anything out yet.

Anyway, I know we all have days when we feel like everyone else is doing a better job than us. This week, I'm having a couple of those days. So next week, I'm making some time for me. Because like this, I'm not a good mum. I don't like me today. 

A year later...

This post is going to bring me pretty much up to date. I know there has been so much more happen over this last year, but unfortunately, I was very slack at taking notes, so from now on, you'll just get random bits as I remember them! There have been many notable occasions since Will was born, but we will start with...

Worms. My 4-month-old got worms. At an age where he wasn't even crawling yet, he managed to catch worms. At that age, you can't just pick something up at the chemist to treat them, you have to go to the doctor. That resulted in an awkward conversation as to how my infant managed to pick up a parasite (to be honest, I think his love of trying to use my tires as a teething toy probably had something to do with it) and how I knew he had them (that would be the wriggling masses of them in his nappy). Interestingly enough, now that he is mobile, he hasn't actually got them again, despite me having caught him chewing on some really revolting things, including bones the dog has finished with. I just try to remind myself he is going to have a good immune system. 

Will is certainly on the move now. We are in fact on the verge of walking. He can crawl as fast as most people walk and I'm doing well to outpace him in the house if he wants to be where I am going. He is coasting around the furniture and is standing and balancing with ease. We have had the odd step here and there, so it won't be long before he is running. He also loves being outside. Over summer I could leave the door opened and he would take himself out on the back lawn and crawl around in the grass for ages exploring. I have had to go looking for him a couple of times when he has hidden in the bushes.  

I found it took me about 4 or 5 weeks after Will was born to stop bleeding. Then I got my period at 6 weeks. Whoever said breastfeeding will hold it off, was not talking about my body, clearly! I've found that my periods now are a bit irregular and very heavy. I'm not sure if that is down to any huge post-pregnancy change, or just my body sorting itself out, since I'm not taking the pill at the moment. I went on the mini-pill at about 10 weeks, but I have since gone off it. I don't know if I was imagining things, or if it actually was making me moody. I have also found my weight and body shape fluctuating a bit and I didn't know if that was affecting it too. I can't go back to the normal pill as long as I'm breastfeeding. I've managed another 9 months since we first started having issues! (I still consider quitting every day). 

Will popped his first tooth through right on 6 months, a few days after Christmas. He had made it to 8 teeth within a couple of months and is now working on getting the first of the big ones through. We have a lot more dribbling when he is teething, but he managed his first ones without too much trouble. The current ones are hurting him a bit though. 

Tim has had a few issues of his own since Will was born. We finally got his shoulder operated on in October. Fortunately, it was the quick healing problem, so he was back at work after a few weeks. With the pain from his shoulder gone though, he soon noticed he was having trouble with his hand. In April he was back to theatre to have his carpel tunnel corrected, resulting in another couple of weeks off work. His second recovery also coincided with my return to the basketball court. 

I was lucky enough this year to get a spot on my old team, the Kilsyth Cobras, in the Women's National Wheelchair Basketball League (WNWBL). So a good portion of this year has involved balancing parenting with basketball training. My first trip away was to Perth, so Tim (recovering from surgery) and Will came over with me. 

Wills first flight

It was Wills first trip on a plane, so we threw him in the deep end. We had probably the worst days travel I have ever had and he handled it really well considering. Between delayed flights, missed connections and broken equipment we eventually made it there. We spent three days with my team, then another three days catching up with Tim's family. Will got to meet his great grandparents on Tim's side, which was pretty special. 

We hired a car for the week and hired a car seat from the car company, instead of traveling with ours. We did take our pram with us, but made the rookie error of checking it in. It would have been really handy to have been able to lay Will down for a sleep in the three hour delay we had before leaving Launceston. 

Since that trip, Will and my mum has done one round in Melbourne with me, and Tim and Will did another. We found that while Will doesn't sleep as well as normal in strange places, he still sleeps really well in the car, so we used that to get his naps in. Unfortunately, my team didn't qualify for finals, so we won't be going to Brisbane this month. 

We have started Will in swimming lessons. Swimming's not my strong point, so Tim takes a morning off one day a week and that is their time. Some weeks I go along too, but most weeks it's my 'morning off' and I will have a few hours to myself.

I found a lot of girls I know had babies around the same time as me, so we have kind of made our own little mothers group. It started as a walk then lunch thing, but as our babies are getting bigger, we have gone more for lunching with playgrounds. They have been really important for me, especially since I'm out of town a bit. I am a pretty social person, so having them around has helped keep me connected (thanks girls). 

The first few months I was okay, things were constantly changing and I was kept on my toes a bit. As Will gets a bit bigger though, and I've been longer at home, I'm finding I need more stimulation. I'm doing more writing, baking, sewing and card making. (I sound like a grandma, I just need to take up knitting). I find having a creative outlet helps keep me sane. I just feel like I've become really boring. I struggle finding things to talk to Tim about when he comes home from work because I do literally the same thing, every day. So, I'm trying to be more interesting. For me and the people around me.

I'm at the stage now where I'd also like to go back to work. Just a couple of days a week, enough to get me out of the house. I know I tire easily (I still have naps during the day sometimes) and I like being around Will, but I need to wake my brain up. 

I think it's a good thing to miss your kids a bit. You can't miss them when you're always there with them. It is time for me to miss him, just a little.

Breastfeeding issues

About the time I took Will for his two month check up, I was starting to get a feeling something wasn't quite right. He had gone from sleeping and settling really reliably, to being very restless throughout the day. By this stage we were down to one night feed, then waking about 5am for his first morning feed. Will had gone from really happy and settled to really... not. One of the things they tell you to look for is enough wet and dirty nappies. He was over the line, but not by a lot. I felt like he was looking a bit lean. He had been measuring up around the 85th percentile, so he had always been quite chubby. He was certainly growing, but he was a stretched out string bean. I had mentioned it at his last check up, but they weren't concerned, particularly as he was still sleeping through. 

Then he stopped settling at night. I'd give him his feed, put him to bed and half an hour later he'd be awake, hungry again. I'd give him a top up and he'd go to sleep and stay asleep until morning. I'd been hand expressing and storing the milk in the freezer. Over a week these top ups went from 60ml to 120ml and I was convinced I wasn't imagining things. 

We went off to see the lactation nurse I'd seen while we were in hospital still. She listened to me and my list of things that weren't quite right, yet weren't glaringly wrong either. Guess what? In the two weeks since our last check up, Will had gone from 85th percentile, to 15th! He had actually lost weight!

It took her about 2 minutes to work out the problem. When I was discharged, my medications had all been checked for safety during breastfeeding. What hadn't been checked, was the long term effects. It turns out ditropan (oxybutynin) suppresses breast milk supply when it's used for prolonged periods. My happy baby was grumpy because he was starving. 

Side note for those of you who don't have SCI- a para of my level has a reflex bladder. That means that when my bladder fills to about 200ml, instead of stretching like most peoples, it just empties right away. Ditropan allows my bladder to relax and stretch as normal. This means I don't have to spend my whole day racing to the toilet and I have far, far less bladder leakage issues!

Since I kind of need my ditropan, we had to find another solution. More drugs! I was prescribed domperidone, which is an anti-nausea medication with the happy side effect of stimulating the pituitary gland, responsible for milk production. I started on 30mg a day, and could increase (up to 60mg) or decrease to see how much I needed. It turns out 30mg is about right. It starts to kick in within a couple of days and settles after a week or so. So in the meantime, my starving baby got to have a go at some formula. Within days Will was settled and happy again. 

Skinny baby gets a top up!

When I went to get my script renewed, I had the doctor weigh Will to see if we were making any progress. He had put back on the weight he had lost, meaning, at 12 weeks old, he now weighed the same as he had at 6 weeks! But at least we were on the right track!

The other way to increase milk supply, is to increase demand. So, after every feed, I was also expressing. At first it was only 20 or 30ml, but that quickly increased as the domperidone began to work. Will was sleeping overnight, but I didn't want my body to know that, so for a good month or so, I was getting up overnight to express. I'd express before bed then get up about 2am and again about 5am. 

There are dozens of pumps on the market to help with this. I tried several, manual and electric before I gave up and just went back to hand expressing. I just found for me it was much more effective. I do really have to make sure I don't let my hands get dry though, because I will give myself sores. 

  

It is quite common for babies who bottle feed to reject the breast completely, but Will has managed to continue with a combination. I found as he got bigger that he got distracted feeding very quickly, so we switched to bottle feeding breast milk through the day, to make sure he was getting enough. We still have a breastfeed and cuddle in bed to start our day, but all his other feeds are now from the bottle. I think about quitting expressing every day, but I haven't yet.